Slightly Melancholy

A series of possibly unconnected thoughts:

• My high lasted for three days before I crashed this time. 7.30 feels like midnight.
• I am a confidant person. I know this, and when it shows in how I dress, your laughter or negative attitudes toward me don't diminish the fact that I know I am a human being, and I know that I am worth it.
• Why do I always seem to fall in love with the fictional character they write out of the show somehow? Killing them with a cold, throwing them in the loony bin...
• When you're used to wearing a particular piece of jewellery and this piece is removed for a time of more than a few hours, it's a disconcerting feeling.
• Realising that I can get on well with people in one-on-one situations when I don't usually see them outside a group setting is a nice feeling.
• I don't react well when you point a video camera at me and ask me to say something impressive sounding. I sound rather like a fool. But I'm okay with this.
• I find it strange how I've made the high school/real word split a year earlier than anyone else I know. I'm supposed to be going through this with people I've known for years, who are all in the sameish boat as me. Not wondering if the same people are enjoying whole school assembly.
• Having said that, the way I feel about my life now, is the way I felt at the beginning of recess after a good MIS class walking along the gravel path alone on my way to the cleaver wing. When the sun was shining just the right amount, just starting to gain it's power for the day. When I was learning about things I enjoyed, and I had good company and good conversation to look forward to. In those moment, life always seemed pretty darn perfect, and whilst my current life isn't quite as blissful as those moments, it's pretty wonderful.
• Even though I'm enjoying this life, I miss my old one. I miss you guys. I miss being able to look at how you were walking or listen to the way you were speaking and know that at that moment you were enjoying life, or looking forward to something, or that you needed a bit of a shoulder to lean on. I'm not saying I was always that shoulder, or that I knew every time you needed something or someone, but I miss not having the chance to know. I don't like having to get second hand information about how you are. I don't like only getting snippets of what I'm missing out on. I don't like not being able to look after you. I don't like not being able to be there for you. Even if that makes me sound much to motherly for a 17 year old, or if you think I'm being silly thinking like this or if you like it better now I'm not there to interfere first hand, it's the truth. People go on about how you have more than one family in life, and that the more you live the more it grows. You guys were my Grammar family. If I quote the study planner more than that, you have my permission to slander me all you like for 48 hours, but it's true. We were our own little community. Sure, we fluctuated in size a fair bit, we had (and probably still have) other Grammar families to the one I'm referring to, but we were there. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I could make a difference being there. And I feel like I did. That last sentence may be coming from a strong desire to think that I did, rather than actually doing anything, but your parents have told me how shocked some of you were by my whole 'Oh, by the way guys, I quit high school' thing, and to be honest, when I'm in moods like this, I wonder how the hell I can cope. I don't have a seemingly endless supply of people I can turn to for an embrace or a stimulating conversation. I don't have a group of people I can hang out with who know a heck of a lot of my flaws and who love me, not necessarily in spite of them, but because of them. People who know who I am, and who know that I love them for the person they are and that they don't need to purposely change anything about themselves because they are amazing and wonderful people. People who can read this and know that sure, I'm over tired, and that sure according to my body clock I'm writing this at something like one in the morning, and then consequently I'm rambling like an over-emotional drunk, but at the same time, a part of them knows that I mean
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