My Room Is A Mess

I know this.
i can see this.
i wish it wasn't like this.
and yet i wont do anything about it.
i have a sac on Thursday.
i don't understand the content we are writing on for it.
i should re-read the book in order to try and decipher something, anything, that could possibly cause me to pass this particular sac.
but i wont do anything.
i will whine and complain about people/situations/things i don't like.
and yet i wont do anything.
inherent laziness?
possibly.

you know whats fun?
dancing.
not necessarily at an event. with DJs and flashing lights and exciting things like that.
but at home.
the best dance time and place ever?
just after dark, when i still haven't closed the curtains, or turned that many lights on, just the small lights, so the light is only a soft glow and not a 60 watt glare. and the rest of my family are out, and i know they will be for multiple hours. in the kitchen, with my ipod plugged into the stereo. maybe making a cup of tea, maybe just getting a glass of water. but getting distracted and just... i cant really say dancing, and that infers some sort of rhythm, but you know what i mean. and singing. to anything that comes on.
and i don't mean that pansy, ill-sing-but-i-wont-do-it-too-loudly-in-case-someone-overhears-and-therefore-wont-hit-all-the-notes-or-enjoy-it-anywhere-near-as-much singing that we do sometimes. i mean that singing where you don't care if you don't know all the words, you don't care if you don't know the tune. you'll make that shit up. and you will do it with so much conviction that anyone who happens to overhear will think that they are the ones who have been getting it wrong.
and the feeling that comes from this moment in time.
the feeling of pure contentment.
that nothing is missing from you life.
that you don't need someone else to validate your existence.
that no snide remark from a supposed friend, or the stupid bitching that goes on behind your back can come anywhere near cracking the shield you have at that moment.
because you are you.
and in this moment, you are completely, unequivocally, absolutely, unconditionally, unmistakeably and emphatically perfect.
that strange feeling that seems to radiate from the center of you chest, like something is constricting your heart. just for a second.

now would probably be a good time to mention that i don't generally read back over these posts as I'm writing them. a combination of not being bothered, and knowing if i read over them ill probably mangle whatever i was trying to say so badly because I'm concerned about reactions, that whatever it is that i was trying to get across is lost.
so i type it and i post it. for the world to read =p

speaking of people bitching behind backs (great song about that - i like you better when you're not around) i, well, i don't need to vent, or complain. just wish to state facts on the subject.
it happens.
and as teenagers, its gonna happen. and as adults its going to happen. and I'm not going to lie and say i don't do it, because i do. sometimes because i need to discuss it, not that i want to hurt anyone, but because if i don't get these thoughts out of my head and heard by someone i trust, they will explode at a time that i can pretty much guarantee wont be appropriate. sometimes because a persons irritating the hell out of me and all i need is two seconds to say 'they re pissing me off' sometimes because I'm concerned about someone and want to know if I'm the only one seeing these things or is others are noticing it too.
and sometimes, just sometimes, its because I'm a bitch. and want to take it out on somebody else.
and i know that, as is practically everyone at some point or another, people talk about me.
and for the most part I'm fine with that. i would much prefer if you had a serious problem with me, that you find a way to bring it up with me. because if its something I'm unaware I'm doing, then we can talk about that, and if its something i know I'm doing because you've been rubbing me up the wrong way, then we can talk about that too. but either way, it gets it out in the open. and most important to me - it gives me a chance to voice my opinion on the subject and get you to try and see it from my point of view.
i'd like to be able to say that i don'd hold grudges. that im always a forgive and forget kind of person. but that would be a lie.
and i don't really want to pretend to be that kind of person anyway.
occasionally i do hold grudges.
not often. currently i think there's only one. but its come up a few times in the past couple of weeks.
not to the person its against, as i don't often speak to her. although from all reports she seems to be speaking about me lately.
and i suppose its hypocritical of me to say 'tell me if you have a problem' as i haven't done it with this person. but i did alter my behavior after the event, which is my way of saying 'no, no i am not okay with this' if the changed behaviour is noticed by the person, then they most likely know me better then i thought, therefore i would make more effort to explain how i feel. if its not, they cant care that much, and it doesn't seem a huge loss to me.
if you haven't figured out what incident i am talking about, i suppose i shall enlighten you by saying this:
i like to think of myself as relatively open minded, i am willing to hear every ones opinions views, even if they differ from mine greatly, but one thing that i am not okay with?
rigging pass the parcel.
and i don't mean in that mum and dad way that's all 'oh no, that kid hasn't got a prize yet, ill stop it on them'
i mean the kind of rigging that is done by silly teenage girls for no apparent reason, the kind of rigging that they don't even really try to hide, saying 'stop!' at a level that meant that even the people on the other side of the room (ie. me) could hear it.
and then not only rigging it, but instead of embodying what pass the parcel is all about - a kids game that ends with some silly trinket as reward for squeeing over and enjoying, they throw that out the window and instead of putting the sweets that had been specifically purchased for this game in the center of the parcel, they put a box with the words 'ha ha, you thought you'd won something' there instead.

I in no way condone this kind of behavior. If anyone out there thinks this is refering to them, please bring it up with me, i will be glad to discuss it, and any other thoughts i may have, with you.

For now, i've written over 2 pages.
I'm tired.
My eyes are hurting.
my neck is a tad as well actually.
my music is good.
the lighting in my room is fantastic
i still need to clear off my bed before i can use my duvet this evening
i still use the word duvet
even though i get weird looks.
but i haven't snapped at anyone in anger in a while. at least i believe this to be true. because i can't remember if i still get an accent when i get sufficiently pissed off.
an odd quirk, as i don't really travel there all that often, and my mothers slight accent goes un-noticed by all except those from there themselves generally.
and so it makes no sense whatsoever for me to have that ingrained in me.

just went to kitchen to get a drink - some crazy add program was on tv. dont know what the dealio was with it, it just showed me two adds i quite like.
one was that add with the girl and the bike, and the guy trying to steal it, and she spins the tale of how 'that cut on the bike seat is the last memory of her father' the guy doesn't steal the bike, we then discover its an add for an acting school.
the other, is for tampons.
i like it muchly. its the one with the guys working at the construction site, and the one operating the jackhammer says he doesn't think he can do it for much longer, the boss guy is all like 'oh really? and why is that?'
Jackhammer guy: cramps. ive got my period.
everyguy on site: oh no, here, sit, do u need a cup of tea? a wheat bag for you stomach?
boss guy: i find that really helps, just across *geastures to abdomen* soothes it loads.
j.h: ill be fine *starts work again*
b.g: let us know if it gets too much, well put someone else on
fade to black. the words "if only"


remember that mood i was talking about earlier?
well i forgot to mention that its pretty fragile and can shatter quite quickly.
like when you receive a reply to an email that, to be honest, you were waiting for and slightly anxious about.
and when that reply is nothing if not (at least on the first read through) ducking inFURIATING.
of course, this is a time when I'm going to be hypocritical, because i instantly typed up a reply to this email, commenting on the things said. but i didn't sent it to this person. and i probably wont. because aside from the language which albeit is only bad in a couple of places, i would want to think things through more then just typing during blind rage.
believe it or not, I'm actually more sensible than that.
surprising i know.
the likehood of this person reading this is practically zilch. as this blog isnt something this person seems to care about.
but what would i know.
being so "bad at interpretation"



3 and a half pages. 1741 words.
E out.