Let me know I'm loved?

Guy update. Actually, since i haven't really said anything about the guy, i guess it's more a de-breifing than an update. Ok, so first thing you probably want to know is the guys name. I'm not saying. But becuase he has several codenames among my group of friends, i shall use one of those. I'll call him Chad. He and I are friends. And we're pretty close. Which is the main reason I'm so unwilling to tell him how I feel or make a move, in case i completly fuck it up and loose his friendship. To put it simply.
Next thing you probably want to know, how much i like him. Well, he's always on my mind, and no matter how much it drives me crazy I can't get him out of my head. I'm not sure exactly how you would class it, as a crush, an infatuation, or as more than a crush.
You know how people have all those icons saying things like :

Well that's how I feel. Just ask my friends, they can tell you just how crazy I am about this guy. Well, not exactly how crazy I am, coz i don't know that either. But they could at least tell you I've fallen pretty damn hard. And it sucks.
Another sucky aspect is, i've given him girl advice. I know that some people would have told him to do the exact oppisite of what they would really do, but i couldn't do that so i ended up giving him advice, then kept wishing he would ask other people these kinds of questions about me. Stupid i know, but it's fun to dream.
I've thought about telling him. Friends have joked about telling him for me, and some have gone futher than joked and actually said stuff to him about it. I don't know if he believed them as he often has people coming up to him and telling him how much im in love with him. None of them being people i've told that i like him.
So anyway, that's a bit of a further look into my life. I'm sure all the people who read this (and i'm willing to bet not many do) are rivited by my hopelessness and stupidity.
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Remember, inside every girl, there's a boy.

The Wild Rose

I was taking some random tests on the internet, this is the score i got for the 'OKCupid test' I rather liked it so i thought I'd post it here :-P

The Wild Rose Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf) Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose. Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling. You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective. The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone. "You're never truly single as long as you have yourself." People I know would probably argue with the results, but hey, the test doesn't lie ;-). ------------------------------------------------------- Somebody out there's got my name on their heart, Somebody out there is watching the same star

Photos!!

I got a new camera yesterday, its a kodak P850. Or it might be a kodak 850P. But im pretty sure it's the first one. Its black, and looks like a proper camera, not a tiny digital one. Anyway, I think it's cool. I went out to Gong Gong Resivoir Park (werid name i know) and i took the camera and took a whole lot of pictures. They're all very amature, but like the look of some of them. And since I've finally figured out how to put pictures in my post (round of applause) I thought I'd put a couple up here. It's a road. With cars. Very imaginative i know ;-P

This is of the actual resivoir. I liked the way the water looked, stripy!!
This picture has no relevence what-so-ever. It's my sisters slightly blue tounge. She's a couple of years younger than me, and is currently in the toyroom watching home videos. One of which involes her singing her ABC's. And ending them Q U S W Y Z. And then she started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I think i shall go watch her making a fool of herself. It's so much fun!
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That's the last thing this country needs, a cock, in a frock, on a rock.

Parents. Damn them.

Am v. pissed of with my father. Not only did he make that comment about my grades, but then he READ MY BLOG. I don't care what anyone else thinks, that's not on. Then he said to me 'whats all this bullshit about your father on here' Great. Now he thinks all i feel is bullshit as well as inadequate. Digging himself into a hole. I told him i didn't want him reading it and that it was none of him buisness, and his reply was, why put it up there if you dont want people reading it. Want me to be specific dad? I don't want YOU reading it. Anyone reading this (not many people i know) is either somebody i dont know, and may never know. Or a friend, someone i've either given this url to, or the url to my other blog, and they've got here through that. Either way. I have no problem with them reading it. The whole point i started writing on here again was becuase i couldn't talk to people about it. No, not couldn't. I mean if i wanted to i could have. But i didn't want to. Incase it changed their perspective of me. So I'm mad at my dad.
A friend got me thinking about secrets earlier today. I don't really have manny secrets. At least not many that spring to mind. There's the one about the guy, that's a secret. There's the one about my mum and her pre-cancer. But thats not a secret as such. Just something i dont want the world to know. And really, that's about it. Apart from secrets friends have told me. But i dont regard them as my secrets. Simply becuase if i did, I'd probably end up telling someone. I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets. But i keep other peoples really well. Which seems silly.
Anyway, i've got to go hang out the washing coz mum can't. Then i might go outside and lie down. Maybe read a book. Listen to music. I dunno. Just something.
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I think you wouldn't know where to feed your self if you didnt flap your mouth so much. Yes, I think you're stupid

Words

Words can thrill people. They can excite them, worry them, frighten them, make them feel loved, make them feel alone or drive them crazy. But, if you break it down, all words are, are groups of letters strung together. Take the word bad for example. If you say it long enough, until it just slurs into one un-decipherable noise, it looses all its meaning, and any power it may have held. Its just 3 letters. It can't hurt you.
But saying that, words can also mess you up pretty badly. I mean, if you live every day of your life, or even just some of your life, being verbally abused or taunted by anyone, whether it's parents, other people your age, teachers or just who ever. That sucks. I know.
It depends who your talking to though, as to if you'll get offended or not. I've had people say to me on a daily basis, whore, slut, bitch etc. But considering one of the people who says those things to me is the one i accused of pole dancing on weekends, she has every right to. But when she says those things, i know she's kidding. And when i say things like the pole dancing comment, my friends know im kidding. But sometimes the fact that you're kidding isn't so easily convayed. And sometimes, there's things you just don't joke about, no matter how well you know the person or how comfortable you are with them.
I'm thinking of getting a tatto (of course, i've been thinking of getting one for the past two years). I was gonna get one on my ankle to begin with, but when i read that your ankle was one of the most painful places to get a tatto, i changed my mind. Im now thinking of getting the chinese character for love tattoed on the left hand side of my chest, just above my boob. Any one got any thoughts?
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Men - can't live with them, can't shoot them..................."Says who?!?"

Reports

Joy. It's the time of the holidays when our reports arrive. How did I go? Depends who you ask. As I'm sure you're all dying to know how intelligent i am, this is what i got:
Challenge Studies - A
English - A
Geography - A
History - A+
Materials and Technology - B+
Mathematics - A+
Science - A
Those are all the subjects we get letter marks for. My dad hands me my report and goes 'Materials and Technology was a bit dissapoitnting' With this straight face and hard tone in his voice. Well screw you! i try my hardest at these things, im no child prodigy, but im ok. i've never once failed anything at school. Yet that's what i get. I get a B+, and my dad's dissapointed! That's the last thing i need rite about now.
Oh, and the reason i got a B+? i hate the subject. most of the girls in my group are horrid. there's 4 of us in the group. one girl is ok. she's not overly nice, but she's not a bitch. the other 2.... well. they're in my tute group, so thats bad enough. hopefully ill be outta there soon (fingers crossed) they just dont give a damn bout what im feeling. last lesson i spent most of the time outside somewhere. not actually in class. closest ive ever got to wagging :-P
What is it with my maths teacher describing me as 'eager'? she has got to be kidding, right? her exact words were '[Emma] was eager to answer questions during class and completed all set homework' egar to answer questions? i spent more time staring out the window than paying attention to what she said, let alone actually bothering to answer the questions. and as for doing the homework...... well anything she set out of the text book, i didn't do, and i didn't do quite a bit of the homework book. do teachers ppay any attentino whatsoever to their students?
Was just talking to my friend J on msn. once again i was the advice girl. she wanted to know whether or not she should tell her parents about her having a boyfriend. when i didn't give her a direct answer she cyber pouted at me and told me i should tell her what to do. she then said i had the answers to everything. trust me, i dont. i have no answer about how to get out of my current situation (with the guy). so i can't know everything. then we started talking bout how she had to go to the orthadontist and get bands put on her braces, then talked bout reports.
Ok, there is my daily update and bitch. I hope you all (whoever you are) like reading my complaints on life.
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Look up the word idiot in the dictionary. You know what you'll find? "A picture of me?" No, a definition of the word idiot, which you are!

Subtle and Discreet

Feel crap. Saw mum in hospital. As cruel as this is going to sound, i really don't want to go back. I know that makes me sound like a cold-hearted bitch, as i am, but i just couldn't handle it. I mean (and no one is gonna wanna hear this next part) I saw my mum throw up. And that scared the shit out of me. I know it shouldn't. I mean, people throw up, no biggie, it happens all the time' But I've never seen my mum throw up.
Moving onto a slightly different topic, who's seen 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang'? I love that movie. I mean, how many time do they say fuck? It's brilliant! That and it made me laugh, which i really needed. I used to laugh so much. I mean, I still laugh. Just not as much as i used to. People say I've changed. I guess I have. I don't really notice it coz im kind of constantly around myself (funny that). I know my thoughts have changed alot. And if you're reading this Kels (as i know you will) I HAVE NOT been thinking about certain peoples 'knees'.................much.
Anyhoo, back to me and my thoughts. As this blog is about my random thoughts, i guess this is a bit of an insight about what goes on in my mind. But sometimes even I dont know whats going on in my mind. Like, i'll be typing, much like i am now, and i'll go to type a word, for example, really. But the ONLY word my fingers will type is think. How utterly random is that? And that's happened to me alot. And it's always the word think i type. Weird.
Ealier today, I was thinking. Yes i know i've used the word think way to much, but i dont care. Anyway, i was thinking. People (well teens at least) think alot about cool, uncool etc. etc. And something that's said quite a bit is that being a clone, doing and wearing the same as everbody else is 'uncool' and that being different, dresseing different is 'cool' now. But if you really think about it, does not that then mean, that if everybody, or at least the majority of people start doing that, that it' the main stream thing to do, and that then makes it following the pack and being a clone? Confusing much? So that's my bit of wisdom for today. Yes i know it's not all that wise.
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You're not talking to anybody, are you? "(speaking into phone) Hold on. No".....Why are you still pretending "Coz its fun"

Just a quick note

Can't type much, gotta get ready to go to the movies with my little sis. We're gonna see Stormbreaker. I'm feeling a lot better today. Just had a HUGE conversation with a friend. It made me laugh SSOO much. We we're talking about lots of things. Including some guys abs. And Matt Damon. (wink)
Mums in hossy right now. Aparently she's in a wheelchair. My sis wants her to bring it home. She might come home tonight, no body's sure. Depends how she feels after surgury. When she first told my sister and I about it, she said that the reason she been going to the doctors alot recently was not, in fact, becuase of her shoulder. Then at the EXACT SAME TIME my sister and i just went 'Are you pregnant?' which is ridiculas coz its impossible for her to be pregnant. I think i knew what she was gonna say though. After she'd stopped laughing at us. It just... fit. It still sucks though.
Well, i really need a shower coz me hair looks like hell (as usual, but not it looks like hell AND it's really greasy) and then i need to get ready. Shall update with news about mum as i know all who read this blog are dying to hear (not).
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I like you. I like your balls. I like balls.

Love?

What is love? And how do you know when you're in love? Can you love someone, yet not be in love with them? Can you only ever love one person for all your life? And if you can, what if they die? Are you cursed to live an eternity on your own, wishing someone would hold your hand?
According to wikipedia, love is:

a profound feeling of tender affection for or intensea attraction to another.

Does that mean you can't love someone unless you're attracted to them? What about loving your friends and family, do you have to find them attractive to love them? Coz, that's kinda kooky.
It's said that love is undefinable, but if it is, how do you know if you're ever in love? maybe you just lust after this person, or maybe you just want them as a friend.
How do we ever truly know if we love someone?
People have described love as:
giving someone the power to destroy you
trusting someone enough to surrender to them completely
giving freely from the heart
an emotional connection.....affected by the physical
an uncontrollable urge

What if it's none of these things? What if it's all of them? What if you just don't know? What if we're feeling something we've never felt before, how can we tell it it's love, or just some strange new emotion? Some people deny the existance of love entiarly. I could never do that
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Sometimes we love people so much, we have to be numb to it. If we actually felt how much we loved them, it would kill us

Ouch

Right now, the only thought in my head, is ouch. It's killing me. I'm now starting to realise how people feel when they have migrains. All i have is a bad head ache and it's driving me nuts.
I stayed over at a friends (K's) place last night. She called me after i published the previous post, so it was quite good timing really. I really needed to get out of the house. Everything just keeps reminding me of the fact mums going into hospital tomorrow. At least when i'm with my friends, they distract me. And if im alone, at least i can loose myself in whatever cd i've put on. I seriously could not live without music. Not only does it keep me entertained, but its an expression. and its easy to just forget whatever's on my mind and sing along, admitadly it's bad singing, but it still makes me feel better.
K had invited me as well as another friend, L, over. L had bought the movie 'Team America' for us to watch. Not like her mum knew this of course. We also walked down to the video store and rented 'Riding in Cars With Boys'. We watched the latter in the lounge room, but since K's little sister had a friend staying the night, we thought it would probably be best if we watched 'Team America' in the study. It was fun. While the other 2 were getting some chairs to sit on in the study, i checked my emails. I had one (as i knew i would as i had recieved a txt telling me to check my mail) from a girl i used to be really close to, but then we drifted apart. In still not sure why. I think it was becuase i was afraid of letting somebody get close enough to hurt me. So before that could happen, i pulled away. If you're reading this, as i hope you will be, i'm sorry. I should have tried harder. i should have done more. emailed, or called, or something. i just shouldn't have been afraid.
Anyway, this email made me cry. So then i told L and K about mum. They didn't say much. just let me hug them and cry. that's really all i wanted. People often remark, once they get to know me a bit better, about how much of a softie i am. becuase im so loud, they assume i just dont have feelings. but its the opposite. the opposite in a big way. when ever i cry in front of peopl (something i do as little as possible) they seem surprised. not all my friends are like this. K's seen me cry at least 3 times. L's seen my cry once, just last night, i think. a few others have as well. not many. mostly i cry when im alone. its eaiser that way. you dont have to explain to anyone what's wrong, because alot of the time, i just dont know why im crying.
i probably shouldn't write all this here. hardly anyone has the adress for it, but im still not sure how many people actually read this. not many. its just easier for me to type it up, and get it out of my head. i dont want to tell people i feel these things. i mean, im the one who supports my friends, not who gets them to support me. im the one they come to for advice, whatever its about. boys, school, parents, bitchy girls. im just the one they talk to. im not trying to make myself seem big and important, because im not. i just know that alot of the time, if one of my friends wants a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen to them. im the girl. and i really do love being that girl. i like being here for my friends. scrap that, i love it. but sometimes i wish i didn't always have to be the strong one. not often. but when i do think that, it gets me down. because i know i should be grateful they trust me, and i am grateful. i just.....i dont know! i can't even explain to myself what i feel, let alone other people.
i've probably written too much. once i start i get a bit carried away. i think ill go lie on my bed and listen to phantom of the opera. i love that movie, and that soundtrack.
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The eyes speak as much as the mouth

Almost out?

Well I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. Mum filled me in some more on what pre-cancer actually is. Apparently it means the cancerous cells are contained in one gland, and if they remove that, everything should be ok. I asked her if she was gonna need chemo and she said she wasn't sure. The little girl who used to live next door to us had to have chemo, she has lukemia. I mean, it could be worse. But for some reason, thinking that doesn't really comfort me. Not only has she known for about a month and not told either my sister or me, but my level co-ordinator and tutor at school found out before me. That doesn't exactly make me smile.
It still doens't seem real. I think, for the moment, that that's a good thing. Coz as soon as I realise that this isn't a dream, I'm really gonna need someone to talk to.
Speaking of dreams, I had quite a few last night. I kept waking up for a few minutes and then falling back asleep, and the dream continued like it was a movie i'd steped out of, and then walked back in after missing a scene or two. It was funny, becuase it was playing out relitivly like a normal school day, execept for the fact that up untill lunchtime it was wednesday, and from lunch onwards it was monday. I often get dreams confused with reality. Once i dreamt we had orange juice in the fridge (yes i know that's a kooky dream) and the next morning i was like 'where did all the juice go?' Needless to say, my family laughed at me.
I'm home alone at the moment, and i dunno what to do. I could just surf the net for the rest of the day, but i don't really feel like doing that. I wanna talk to someone on msn or something, but no one interesting is online! yes i know i could call someone, but im llllaaaaazzzzzzyyyyyyyy. That and it's eaisier for people to read how you're really feeling from your voice than from the font on the computer screen.
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Better a dimond with a flaw than a pebble without one

When you're going through hell, just keep going

Well i haven't posted here for quite a while, have i? i've been using my other blog www.asylmbound.blogspot.com instead. But that's for poems and stuff i've written. Curretnly i can't rhyme my feelings, so ill just write them here.
Start of the holidays, sposed to be a great time right? Would be, if i hadn't just found out that my mum is going into hospital wednesday to have pre-cancer removed. And I'm completly obsessed with a guy who'll never love me back. I know, i can hardly compare the two. One is obviously worse than the other. My friends know about the boy situation, but im not sure about telling them about the pre-cancer. I think eventually I'll have to, but im not sure how they'll react, or even if i want them to know. I mean, it's just pre-cancer, and mum said 'it's nothing to cry about' LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any sentance with the words, have, I, and cancer in them, suck balls. Unless the sentance is 'I don't have cancer/pre-cancer'. Point is, I feel like shit. I dont wanna tell my parents, coz 'its nothing to cry about'. that and its just not something i would tell them. Im not sure about telling my friends, because i dont want them to......... i dont know why i dont wanna tell my friends. coz i dont want the world knowing i guess, coz i dont want them to judge. maybe becuase if i tell one of them, they'll all find out. and i dont want all of them knowing. maybe because telling them makes it real, and at the moment, i dont want to admit that. im just afraid that even if she does get it removed, that it'll come back or something. thinking about it, i dont really know much about cancer. except that it can kill you. and thats not really the most comforting thought in the world now, is it??
Its kinda funny if you think about it (funny weird, not funny ha ha) i dont want to tell my parents or friends these things. but ill pour them all out onto this blog where anyone one can read them. i guess its easier to tell things to people you've never met, and are never likely to meet, then someone you're gonna see for the rest of the year at least. easier to avoid judgement. or something. i dont know what im saying. not like that's new or anything. i never know what im saying. or thinking. i talk alot, but im starting to think that maybe that's just a defence mechanism. you know, be loud, scare people off, never let on that you're going through what seems like hell inside.
But then again, there's always that saying, 'When you're going through hell, just keep going' i mean, you've got to get out of there sometime, right?...........................