Ouch

Right now, the only thought in my head, is ouch. It's killing me. I'm now starting to realise how people feel when they have migrains. All i have is a bad head ache and it's driving me nuts.
I stayed over at a friends (K's) place last night. She called me after i published the previous post, so it was quite good timing really. I really needed to get out of the house. Everything just keeps reminding me of the fact mums going into hospital tomorrow. At least when i'm with my friends, they distract me. And if im alone, at least i can loose myself in whatever cd i've put on. I seriously could not live without music. Not only does it keep me entertained, but its an expression. and its easy to just forget whatever's on my mind and sing along, admitadly it's bad singing, but it still makes me feel better.
K had invited me as well as another friend, L, over. L had bought the movie 'Team America' for us to watch. Not like her mum knew this of course. We also walked down to the video store and rented 'Riding in Cars With Boys'. We watched the latter in the lounge room, but since K's little sister had a friend staying the night, we thought it would probably be best if we watched 'Team America' in the study. It was fun. While the other 2 were getting some chairs to sit on in the study, i checked my emails. I had one (as i knew i would as i had recieved a txt telling me to check my mail) from a girl i used to be really close to, but then we drifted apart. In still not sure why. I think it was becuase i was afraid of letting somebody get close enough to hurt me. So before that could happen, i pulled away. If you're reading this, as i hope you will be, i'm sorry. I should have tried harder. i should have done more. emailed, or called, or something. i just shouldn't have been afraid.
Anyway, this email made me cry. So then i told L and K about mum. They didn't say much. just let me hug them and cry. that's really all i wanted. People often remark, once they get to know me a bit better, about how much of a softie i am. becuase im so loud, they assume i just dont have feelings. but its the opposite. the opposite in a big way. when ever i cry in front of peopl (something i do as little as possible) they seem surprised. not all my friends are like this. K's seen me cry at least 3 times. L's seen my cry once, just last night, i think. a few others have as well. not many. mostly i cry when im alone. its eaiser that way. you dont have to explain to anyone what's wrong, because alot of the time, i just dont know why im crying.
i probably shouldn't write all this here. hardly anyone has the adress for it, but im still not sure how many people actually read this. not many. its just easier for me to type it up, and get it out of my head. i dont want to tell people i feel these things. i mean, im the one who supports my friends, not who gets them to support me. im the one they come to for advice, whatever its about. boys, school, parents, bitchy girls. im just the one they talk to. im not trying to make myself seem big and important, because im not. i just know that alot of the time, if one of my friends wants a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen to them. im the girl. and i really do love being that girl. i like being here for my friends. scrap that, i love it. but sometimes i wish i didn't always have to be the strong one. not often. but when i do think that, it gets me down. because i know i should be grateful they trust me, and i am grateful. i just.....i dont know! i can't even explain to myself what i feel, let alone other people.
i've probably written too much. once i start i get a bit carried away. i think ill go lie on my bed and listen to phantom of the opera. i love that movie, and that soundtrack.
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The eyes speak as much as the mouth