27.12.2006

Finished watching 'Friends' today, shall have to buy another season now. Also watched a bit of 'Family Guy' before the computer decided it didn't like the disk anymore.
Mum, dad, Kate and I went to the new mini golf next to the woolshed today. I am a terrible mini golf player. I mean, im really, really bad! I guess i just don't like the lttle balls. I had fun though. I must have looked so strange!! I was wearing: black jeans, black and darker black striped jumper that belongs to my sister and is tight around the bust, black necklace that you could only see the chord of because of the high neck on the jumper, black ipod. And then i was singing and dancing along to 'Build Me Up Buttercup' while playing mini gold. Hmmm, what doens't belong...
When i don't have something regular, like school, going on in my life to keep me regulated, i loose track of everything! Especially time. Even on a good day i can't tell how much time has passed. I'll think it's only been a few minutes, and then i'll be late for school. Not good.
Kate wants to go with mum to the hospital for her radio therapy sometime this week. Mum asked me if i wanted to go. I knew the answer, not really, but i didn't know how to say it. I think the thing is, if i go to the hospital, i'll have to look at this more closely. And i think doing that will just scare me even more. And i'm scared enough already. People just don't know it.
I haven't really though about this stuff for a while. I've just been pushing it to the back of my mind. Coz when i do look at it harder, i always look at the worst possibly outcome. And i really don't wanna do that.
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if i forget the things you said, will you still be my friend? if i forget the things you did, can we pretend this isn't the end?

26.12.2006

Slept in again today, gotta love the holls. Got up a bit before 10.30 to say goodbye to my couisn Peita who stayed the night with us, watched tv, had a shower, got dressed. Mum and Kate took me to centeral square to meet Jacky and Elissa to do some boxing day shopping. Only ended up spending $15. $5 on a couple of bracelets - one gray one black - from Cotton On, as well as buying a $10 stripy top from Coll Girl. Elissa got a matching one.
I don't mind shopping, but im not crazy about it, and i've decided that if i ever have something clothing wise to buy for myself, that i probably wont go with them for that, i'll probably go with mum actually. It's not that i don't have fun shopping with them - i do - it's just that the stores they wanna shop in aren't generally my kind of stores. I mean, sure, i may find something i like every now and again, and i think the stores they like - jayjays, glassons, just jeans, cotton on, cool girl - i think they're all great for jewellery and as i said, once in a while i'll find something i like, but they're really not my type of shops. And i think the sizing is pretty screwed up as well. Jacky was complaining that the sizes she was trying on in all those kinda of stores were bigger than the ones she'd been trying on that morning with her mum. And she thinks that's bad! In my wardrobe i have clothing ranging from size 10-16! And all of them fit me fine!! I mean, i know there's no set sizing for aus, but you'd think stores would at least try to make their sizings slightly simalar so they didn't completly screw with their customers heads is probably a good idea.
Another thing that's been buggins me lately is people bagging out the music i listen to. Okay, so some of my friends don't like Kasey Chambers, Hilary Duff, Fergie, Jonney Cash, Riannah, Pink or whatever else i listen to. I have no problem with the fact they don't like my music, we have different taste. It seems others do have a problem with our different taste. I really wish people would quit saying 'I can not believe you listen to him/her/them!!' or 'How can you listen to that?' very easy actually. I respect your taste. Please do the same with mine.
And if you're gonna keep bagging out my taste, please stop obsessing over your music in front of me. Ever think maybe im not crazy about Jeff Buckley? Sure i like the guy. But i could care less about the fact that he had a vocal range of 4 and a half octaves. Okay, so i actually think that's pretty cool, but i dont think hes a genius.
Anyway. I'm cold. It's one o'clock in the morning. I'm listening to S Club 7 (or maybe S Club. I don't know how many were in the group when they recorded 'Love Train') My neck hurts.
I need so much help. Unfortunatly to get this help I need large quantities of money. So untill I have this money I'll sit in my room at one am all by myself listening to S Club 7.
Someone help me.
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i don't know where i'm going. i don't even know where i've been

A List Of Things You Quite Possibly Didn't Want To Know About Me

#1. I listen to rap
#2. I listen to pop. Really. Really. Bad. Pop
#3. I listen to country
#4. I have a myspace profile
#5. And three blogs
#6. I have stuffed animals in my room
#7. My bedroom walls are covered in random bits of paper
#8. And a corkboard
#9. And photos
#10. And paintings done at school
#11. And a quilted advent calender I made
#12. I read books a 14 year old girl should never read
#13. I have a black I-pod video
#14. I have a double bed
#15. I like having other people sleeping in my bed/bedroom
#16. During the holidays I slowly become nocturnal
#17. I sometimes make my own jewellery
#18. I sometimes find myself talking out loud even when no one's around to hear
#19. I don't have a very good sense of smell
#20. I love singing. I'm not very good. But I love doing it. I'm in a band as a singer, not lead obviously
#21. I really like Reece Witherspoons singing in 'Walk The Line'
#22. I'm taller than both my parents
#23. My absolute favorite book of all time is 'Twilight' by Setphenie Myer
#24. My hand writing is pretty damn bad
#25. I can get a job in April
#26. I quite like horror movies
#27. I have a big purple monkey in my bed
#28. I have snoopy pyjamas
#29. I have a pair of bugs bunny pyjama pants
#30. I'm relitivly well travelled. I've been to England, Paris, Singapore, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Day Dream Island and vairous other places
#31. I want to go to Greece, Italy, Spain, Rome, New York and again, various other places
#32. The coldest part of my bdoy is generally my nose
#33. I refuse to wear a rain coat, even when it's pouring rain out
#34. I wouldn't mind being a model
#35. I write poems
#36. I try and write songs
#37. I like wearing my hair in pigtails
#38. I've never really had a boyfriend
#39. I'd love to sing country, blues or swing
#40. I don't think enough before I speak
#41. I love 'Friends'
#42. But I only own season 4
#43. But I plan to buy, beg, steal, borrow or have given to me the rest of the seasons
#44. I love British accents
#45. I originally come from Brittan, I was born in Redhill, Surry

More on this modelling thing...

Okay, if you haven't read the below post, go read that, coz this will make no sense otherwise.
I was thinking about this whole modeling thing some more, and realised that it's something i'd really actually like to try and do. So i started looking some stuff up on the net. Most of the sites i found let you create your own online profile/pholio. At a charge of $500 bucks. I decided they really weren't my thing. Then i found this one site called 'Allstars', great name i know.
Basically on this site, you fill out a form, either online or you can send it via snail mail, attatch a couple of photos (one a head and shoulder shot, the other a full body shot). They get back to you after about 7 work days, if they like you, they'll call you in for an interview (they're based in Melbourne) and if they don't they'll suggest some other modelling compainies you could try.
I was really interested in doing that. But a) i have no decent full body shots and b) i'd want to ask mum before i sent it off. I wasn't sure how to breech the suject to mum. Again i thought she'd just laugh. I was standing next to her in the kitchen, chopping potatoes (he he. potatoes), and i didn't know what to say!!! I was trying to make myself say something, anything!, about it but i couldn't! Then i was just like. 'Hey mum. Know how we were talking about the modelling stuff last night?' And i explained to her that i'd like to try and get into it and that i'd looked up some stuff on the net. She wasn't overly enthusiastic, but i was pretty happy with the way she reacted. I explained about the form, the photos and how if they wanted an interview we'd probably have to go to Melbourne. I said that i didn't think getting an interview was very likely, but she was like ' i dont know, you might' then she went to say something else but stopped and said that it depended on what they were looking for. She also said i should wait a while untill my skin cleared up a bit. Stoopid spots :-P
Hhhmmmm. I'm thinking of becoming a model..... coz that doesn't make me concited, or superficial or a brat or anything like that. Still. Even if it does make me those things. I still wanna give it a try.
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we think about forever but we've only got today

23.12.06. Started-11.43 pm. Finished 12.15 am

I have discovered that one of the only times i want to put stuff up here on my beautiful (note sarcasm) blog, is after i've turned the computer off and retreated to my bedroom for the night. So from now on i've decided to do is write down the stuff i wanna post up here at night and post it up the next day or soemthing. That's why it has a date different to when this was posted, coz that's when i wrote it. And the start and finish times are the times i started and finished writing the post down on paper. They are there for no particular reason. I just felt like it
Now that tha'ts been said. Onto the more 'exciting' aspects of my life.
The other day (last thursday to be exact) i wan in m yroom with a couple of my school friends and we were trying on some clothes we'd bought at an op shop the week before. We got a bag fromt he 50 cent rack for only a dollar!!! Hey, it was a good way to kill an hour. And when one of my friends took a photo of my lying on my bed in my sexy op shop clothing, she said to me 'You know what, I think you'd make a really good model!' At the time i just laughed, coz trust me, i ain't no size 2 model. Hell, i ain't even no size 12 model!
I metioned it to mum, expecting her to just laugh at it with me, but she said something about how, yeah, i could. When i pointed out the whole size two issue, she said id make a normal size model.
While i'm on the topic of normal sized models, i'd like to say i think it's completely ridiculas that models size 14/16 and above are classed as 'plus size' models/Um, hello, mose women in Australia alone are size 14/16. That's a normal size. And i'm not saying that anyone below that is too skinny or grossly abnomal. Just that 14/16 is not plus sized.
Anyway. Where was i? Oh yeah. Mum saying i that i could be a model. I mean, I'd thought about modeling before, not very seriosuly though. I guess i've always though that being a model would be kind of cool. Even though i've read enough of those 'being a model made me anorexic/bulemic/ruined my life/gave me some other eatin dissorder' to cover Manhatten. I guess it was just one of those silly things people think but take no notice of.

But

What if i could become a model? Sure, i'd probably get tottaly slatted because i'm not tiny, and i'd probably get sick of it, but it'd be a good experiance. he only thing is, i wouldn't know where to start. If anyone our there knows of any modeling agencies in or around Ballarat willing to take on girl's who aren't stick thin, have no experiance, and have no portpholio, let me know, okay?

I'd hate to think of the way some of my friends would react if they ever knew i'd consider becoming a model (not that there's any chance of that). Reactions ranging from 'Ahaha!!! You'll never be a model, you're not good looking/skinny enough!!' to 'But the you'll be one of them! A sheep!' would all be expected.

I wonder how many people actually read this blog. Not many i'd wager. If you do read my blog, and you have myspace, and you'd like to add me, or find out more about me, go to www.myspace.com/little_emmie_lou

It's almost quarter past twelve in the morning and i've been listening to 'Dear Mr. Presidnet' on repeart for at least half an house. Most likely more. As my eyes are starting to hurt, i'd best turn off my light, turn off my music, try and get to sleep, and put down my pad and paper. Not in that order.

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how do you sleep while the rest of us cry

I haven't posted for a while i know. Been kinda busy with the fam lately. Went shopping in Melbourne at DFO. I got a couple of tops, a skirt, a dress, a pair of tights, a jay-jays bag and ummmm. I can't remember what else. But I have no money left. That i can remember.

Sick of smiling.

Went to soverign hill yesterday. Had a photo taken with the family, all dressed as bar girls. In case you're wondering 'the family' referes to my mother, my sister as well as my two cousins and my aunt who are currently visiting from overseas and living with us. It's quite a good photo. I'll see if i can scan it to the computer and add it up here one day.
Went to a friends dance performance today. It was really good. About 30 seconds into the beginning of the three hour performance (including interval) my friend sitting next to me turned to me and said 'I don't like watching dancing' so we spent the majority of the performance talking. About what was going on on the stage obviously. And it was good.
I'm still kind of being blasted on the internet for all of those who care, not many im guessing. It really is no fun being in a good mood, going to a website and reading stuff about yourself. Why do i continue checking it if i know she's just gonna be a bitch about me? becuase id rather read it for myself than have someone say to me 'hey emma, did you read what *name* wrote about you on her website?' and me not having any idea. It's better to read it for myself. At least. I think it is.
I've been in such a bitchy mood lately. I mean i'm being horrible and thinking such unfair things. Just because i'm talking to one of my friends online and im not acting like myself, and im saying some things that could be interpreted as not very nice, and then i'll become even nastier becuase they havne't asked me what's wrong even though i've made really obvious comment as to the fact that there is something not right. And i wont be as supportive. And i'll just dismiss stuff. I'm becoming the bitch that some people think i am. And i hate it. Yet i can't seem to stop it. Especially right now. I just can't handle this. One of the adults was saying earlier how nice it is living in a house of just girl becuase there's 'no pressure' or something like that. It's so not true. With the family here. I have hardly anytime to myself. And if i dont have any time to myself. I go slighty insane. And when i go slightly insane. It is so much easier to make me mad. To make me want to hit something. Someone. So much easier to make me cry. So much easier to make me say what im thinking. So much easier to make me pick a fight with someone just so i can get everything out of my systm. But all i get to do is smile and pretend its all ok. Well i'm sorry. I'm sick of smiling.
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and she's given up waiting on the world to change. instead her life, she'll rearrange

Broken hearted (or not?)

Ok, this is gonna sound like a really strange request. But. If i ever meet you (who ever you are) and if i ever fall in love with you (if you're a girl, pretend to be a guy for the next few seconds) and then i tell you, and you don't want to be anything more than 'just friends' do me a favor? Make sure that there is no possible way for me to turn the situation around. Make sure that there is nothing for me to hope for. Tell me that you have not ever and will not ever like me in 'that way'. Dont say that you want to stay just friends becuase 'It would just be too hard with what is happining now'. Basically, make sure that my heart has been so thoroughly smashed into the ground, that there is no way in hell i'll be able to piece it back together. I'm probably the only girl i know who would rather a guy extinguish any flame of hope that may still be remaining and make sure my heart is well and truley broken. Becuase here is what i have found out: hope is an absoulte bitch.
Now, onto the rest of my day.
I stayed home for the first two periods, as i felt like crap and couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. Then i went to school at recess, watched some of 'Jesus Christ Supersta' in b+v. I don't know if there's more than one copt of that on dvd. But this was the one with the guys who look like darth vadar in it. Then we has science tech in the computer rooms. I had to write a letter to some people explaining that i was an amateur astronomer (im not) who had discovered a meteoriote that was about to hit earth the night before (i hadn't) and that they should probably do something about it. But you seriously have to question the judgement of someone who would actually do that. You know, stargazing, discovered a meteorite that was going to hit earth. I know, i'll go to bed. And in the morning i'll write a nice, civil letter to someone explaining what's happening and ask them to help. WRONG! You would so totally wither ring someone right then and there and give them the co-ordinates where the meteorite could be seen, or email them. Which admitadly isn't as fast as calling them, but it is no where near as slow as sending them a letter in the post. Idiots.
Then we had art in which i went to the art gallery with my class and another one. We were supossed to pick an artwork and fill out a sheet that the sub-teachers had given us. And we did. We just kinda guessed most of the answers as we didn't understand most of the words on the paper. oops......... And then my friend E and i just sat and listened to her i-pod untill we had to go. All in all. Not a terrible day. It could have been better, but than again, can we not say that about everyday of our lives?
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letting go isn't giving up. it's accepting that some things were never meant to be

Lying on my bed writing this on mum's laptop

I suposse you're all wondering how things turned out between me and that guy. Actually, i bet you're not. As you probably dont know me, and even if you just came across my blog a moment ago, you could probably care less what happens in my pathetic excuse for a life. But I shall post here what happen anyway, as i need to get it out of my head, and as i dont really want to talk about it with any of my friends, i figure ill post it here. I don't care if thats not logical. So I emailed the guy. and this is what the part of the email talking about how i feel for him said:

"There's something i want to tell you. And probably should have told you a long time ago. But, I haven't becuase i didn't want to freak you out or ruin our friendship.
or something equally as bad. Anyway, u get my point. I didnt want to tell you in case i screwed things up. Coz generally i am very good at doing that.
I like you. As you know. But i like you as more than a friend. But as i dont really think you feel the same, all i've suceeded in doing is embarasing myself. But at least i've told you. But the thing is i dont want things to change between us. Just write back to me please, and tell me what you think ? And i thought it was best that i told you.'

So i was kind of on edge all day at school. wondering if he'd checked his emails every few seconds. And wondering (more importantly) how he reacted.
So finally the day ended and i could go home and check my email. And there were exactly zero unread email messages in my inbox. So either a) he hadn't checked his emails since late last night or b) he'd read it, freaked out, and run as fast as he could away from the computer screaming. I was leaning toawrds b to be entiarly honest.
Anyway. So then i went and did stuff (including making christmas cards) and then i saw that my friend J was on msn, so i went online (i was set to appear offline) but before i could start talking to her, someone else started talking to me. And it was him.
He was just like, 'hey, im glad i caught you. i haven't had time to reply to you email' And im just sitting there thinking fffffffffuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk. And J's saying things such as 'what's he saying? has he said anything about the email' and i just said 'not much. just that he hasn't had time to reply' or something as equally intelligent as that. And pretty much all he said about the email was that, he got it, and it meant alot to him that id said it, and then he said something about having the guts to say it, but i was kind of zoned out at this point in time.
But the thing is. He never said anything like 'i dont feel the same' or 'i only like you as a friend'r even 'i think we should just stay friends' all he said was 'it means alot that you said that'. But i mean, does anyone else think that's odd? But maybe that's just he holding onto the last grain of hope on this otherwise empty beach.
But the thing is. Even though technically i should feel like absolute crap. I don't. And even though every last remaining drop of hope should have been squeezed out from my unloved heart. There is still hope. (note: corny, hopeless, teenage girl in love type phrases coming up. run while you still can)
Still hope that one day, he'll feel like i do
that one day, he'll tell me what i told him
that one day, i'll be the only girl he needs
that one day, he'll want to be 'safe in my arms'
that one day, he'll just want to be with me
and i'm probably wasting my time thinking all this
hell, i'm definaly wasting my time thinking all this. but i can't help it. i almost wish he had that he just wants to be friends, and that he doesn't like me in that way. but becuase he didn't. there's still hope.
and i know that if he did feel any of the things i felt. he probably would have said so. and we'd ride off into the sunset together or something just as corney. but even so that's probably the case. i can't help hoping
that one day. he'll love me, the way i love him.
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you broke my heart, you heard my scream, you watched me crumble and fall

Cowards Way Out

I have some news. But i don't know whether to class it as good new or bad new. News that is currently making my stomach churn. I told the guy i like (yes thats right, the guy i've been going on about in all these posts) that i like him.
But i took the cowards way ouy. I told him in an email. For all you people out there who are now shaking your heads thinking 'she should have told him face to face' i'll have you know that just telling him over the internet has made me feel physically sick. So if i had told him in person, i probably would have been physically sick, which wouldn't have been such a great thing to happen.
And some more news. I am currently being slagged out on the internet by a girl who used to be a really good friend. But then stopped talking to me for a year. Then said she wanted to be friends again, but this time she wanted to be my 'rock' as she put it, and be there for me. And as soon as i tried to start telling her how i really felt, she started saying things such as: you've changed. or you're not the same person you used to be. and no matter how many times i tried telling her i was feeling exactly the same things, and that this time round i was just trusting her more and telling her how i felt almost deep down inside. Then she started telling me that i had put up a wall and that i didnt want to let her in. Then she decided to tell me that my friendship meant nothing to her, change her email address, and change her blog site, thinking it would stop me contacting her. Little does she know that i know both her new email address and her new blog address.
But it's kind of a bummer when i say hi to girls i used to be relitivly good frinds with (though her) and now all they'll give me is an icy stare and a frosty hello. Actually, it's more than a bummer. It makes me feel like absolute crap. And now, im just feeling even worse.
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I'm all on my own here. I'm an army of one.

Swimming Pool Jeans

I'm kinda tired right about now. And i should really go and have a shower as i went swimming friday night and still have chlorine in my hair. But im gonna put that off for as long as possible. So instead it will tell all you avid readers of my blog how my weekend was. Starting at friday, which i know is not technically part of the weekend, but good stuff happened friday night.
My friend J came home from school with me as we were going to a friends pool party and she lives in a hole and couldn't go unless she stayed the night at someones. So she stayed the night at mine. We were supossed to be at this party at 6. But we didnt leave untill about 5 past 6, but no one really minded that we were kinda late. As i mentioned earlier, it was a pool party, but i didnt really wanna swim at the time that we left my house, so i didnt wear/take bathers. I wore jeans and a black and white top, and took a spare strappy t-shirt incase the other one got soaked. We'd been there for about half an hour, when i decided that i did actually want to go swimming. So i went upstairs, but all my junk in the bag id taken, switched t-shirts (as the one i had worn there was new) went back downstairs and jumped into the pool wearing my jeans. 'twas awesome fun. The jeans are forever going to be known as the swimming pool jeans. I was on such a high that night..... i can't really remember anything much.... i remember making a fool of my self someway or another.... and just being a fool in general. And it wasn't like i was drinking or anything.
After the party J and i watched a bit of a movie (hocus pocus) then got bored of it and went to my room. We listened to her i-pod while she read a magazine and i wrote a song. Then we eventually turned the light out and went to sleep.
Saturday. We woke up and had cake and pie (see below post for picture of said pie) for breakfast. Then we made another pie. Then we ate some of the pie. Then we had a roll each for lunch. Then we played singstar. And i can't remember anything else we did. Oh wait, i played keyboard while she (again) read a magazine. Then in the car on the way to the airport (we were dropping her home on the way) we wrote a bit of a song. It had the word gun in it.
So we dropped J home, then we (dad kate (my sis) and I) went to the airport to pick up my 2 cousins and aunt. Went home, stayed up for another couple of hours, got to sleep bout 1.30. Which is why I'm tired.
Today I got up relitivly early for me. But i haven't done anything. Except for reading a book. Can't member what it's called. Something to do with rainbows. I finished it. And got rather pissed off at it. It was about a girl and a guy who are best friends and have been since they were five, and then he has to move away when they're 17. Long story short, after multiple failed marriages, multiple children, and multiple screw ups, they finally end up together (when they're 50) and it is so not fair. Its kinda like (but not exactly) my situation. The whole, liking-a-good friend-but-not-wanting-to-tell-them-in-case-you-royaly-screw-things-up-and-never-speak-to-them-again kinda thing.
Can i ever get through a post without mentioning this guy?
I also think (going by all the comments my family has made) that i have a sunburnt back.
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No matter how many times you say goodbye, You and I, Are unfinished

Lemon Pie!!!!!

My day was pretty good today. I woke up feeling really cruddy. So I stayed home from school. And i tried to sleeo in. But somewhere near our house, this truck kept reversing, so it was making that annoying reversing-truck noise and i couldn't get back to sleep :-( So I got up and checked my emails as my friend (see post below to find out which friend) said he'd email me in the morning. But he didn't email at all. And then (as we'd had a storm last night with loads of wind) mum walked in with a bucket full of lemons and was like "Emma. Make Pie" only, nicer, and more joking-y. And i was like, "Yay!! Pie!!!" and so i found a recipie for lemon meranguie pie. And I made Pie. And it was really, really good pie.

Oh yeah, that's my pie!! Doesn't it look good? And I think there's only one piece left and IT IS SO MINE!!
Anyway. so that's pretty much all i did. Well, i read some of my books. Oh, i was reading this one book 'Twilight' by Stephanie Meyer for all of you playing at home, and i got so frustrated. I've read the book mulitple times before and absolutly love it, but this time, one of the main characters, Edward, kept reminding me of my friend. The same one who was supossed to email me today, and the same one the below post is about. And the whole point i was reading was to try and distract myself. So i changed books.
That's actually all my day was. Apart from talking to some friends on msn. Oh, well i wrote some more.
I can't remember if i've mentioned this alredy, but the band has a name. And a website. We're called 'Above The Law' and our site is www.myspace.com/abovethelaw1992 go there!! and become our friend as we like having friends.
I'm gonna go watch Ab Fab or something, see yas.
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and one day, i hope i'll be safe in your arms. but right now, it don't look like that's ever gonna happen

......

What are you supossed to do when one of your close friends moves school? And i dont just mean how do you deal with them not being there anymore. How do you deal with the fact that they refuse to tell you what school they're moving to, except to say that its far away from where we are now. And how do you deal with the fact that he's said he wants to forget everyone at his old school, the school that you attened? And the fact that he hasn't said he won't, or can't, forget you? And the fact that, no matter how hard you try, you can't stop telling yourself you love him. Even though he'll never love you in the same way. Or at all. And that maybe it's all over. And that sure, it may have never meant to be, but that doesn't stop it hurting. Or stop that fact that you dont want to be just another forgotten face from his past. And the fact he refuses to tell you some things, and when you ask why, he says 'becuase its different' or 'because you wouldn't understand' but says that it has nothing to do with whether he can trust you or not. Just that you wouldn't understand. And refuses to tell you why you wouldn't understand. Or why he can't try you, just to see if you did understand. And i mean, maybe you wouldn't have understood. But you could have tried. You could have fucking tried.
So if anyone knows the answer to any of these questions, let me know? But for now i think i'll just go and cry alone in my room.
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I cant live without you, Can't breathe without you, I dream about you honestly.

I almost have a social life!!

Weellll. Where to start...... Friday sounds good. As friday was a causual day for the year 7s and 8s. Of which i am one. So i got to wear casuals. We could either: dress up to the theme 'fairytale' and pay $1. Or just wear plain old casuals and pay $2. I did the latter. But someone said i looked like comando barbie. Coz you know. I have blonde hair. And a tiny waist. And boobs that big. *shify eyes* And then one of the girls in my class leant me her necklace and i wore it round my head with the pendant falling between my eyes for the rest of the day.
So all of that was good.
Then i had to catch a bus with a few other girls from my year level as we were going to a party. And one friend remarked on how you could tell i wasn't use to catcing the bus, and i asked her how she could tell (aside from the obvious fact that mum usually picks me up after school) she simply replied
"The bus is moving. And you're not getting on it"
So then we went and got on the bus. And we sat in the middle. Those of you who catch buses will know how important seating is. So we were on this bus, and it was all cool untill we got to the interchange, where most of the people got of, so the bus was basically empty. So we decided to commit public tansport suicide and sit at the very back. Oh aren't we rebels? And you should have seen the looks on some of their faces when the normal bus catchers walked on and saw about 10 girls who didnt belong there sitting at the very back. 'Twas hilarious. One of them literally stopped, stared. Then just yelled out "WHO ARE THEY!" And then they started throwing stuff at us. Like bits of muslei bar, deoderant lids, pencil sharpeners. And then this kid started unwrapping a freaking cupcake. Not a muffin, a cupcake. With frosting. I know, such a waste. So then they started throwing bits of this cupcake at us. The kid whoscake it was threw a bit at us and it went no where near us so i was just like "please tell me you dont play sport with that aim!?!" Then as we were getting off the bus they were like 'Pick up all your shit before you get off!' and 'The bus driver said youse have to clean the bus' and i told them that we'd taken all our stuff, the rest of it was theirs. And two of them called me a slut.
Then we had the party. And it was good. I stayed the night at a friends house friday, then a different friend stayed the night at mine last (sunday) night. Then earlier today we wrote a song together. Then she went home. Then i wrote more songs. Then i went on msn and talked to a couple of friends. And i was on webcam to one of them. And i started crying. And she dindn't notice. And it was good. Actually. It wasn't. But whatever.
Anyway. Not to why I started writing this post. To vent a bit. I was talking to this girl on a chat thing on saturday night (while another one of my friends was with me reading the conversation) and she (the girl i was talking to via the net) started asking me if i had any ideas for a new email address, beucase she wanted to 'start fresh'. Then she said that it wasn't like i was going to miss the chats that we had, so she wasn't really worried about that. Then said that i could be 'soo difficuly' sometimes (..she only just realised this?!?) Then accused me of ignoring her at school (um, hello, i don't see her at school! she's in a completly different area and our paths never cross), told me she had no fun in our conversations and said that our friendship was simple a 'boredom buster friendship'.... this was news to me.
Then she posted stuff on her blog saying how happy she was she had rid herself of a couple of friends (myself included) that meant nothing to her.
So that was a pretty low point in my weekend. But it was ok as i had a friend offer to kill her for me. And i vented about it in a song. And then the song changed so it wasn't about the situation as such. But i still like it. The song that is. Not so sure about the girl. I was talking to her earlier (still just on the computer) and she was talking like everything was normal. And then she apologized. After telling me my friendship meant nothing. Coz thats what everyone wants to hear.
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Somones gotta say it. So it might as well be me Don’t know how we got this way From how we used to be

It snowed. It freaking snowed!!!!

In case you counldn't guess from the title of this post, today it snowed. It FREAKING SNOWED!!! In BALLARAT!!!! In SPRING!!! Awesome much? But was annoying as out teacher wouldn't let us go play in the snow AND THEN HE CLOSED THE CURTAINS SO WE COULDN'T WATCH THE SNOW!!! And it's like, never gonna happen again!!!! We were so pissed off.
ANNOUNCEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!! I am trying in a band. So far we've got:
Kate - piano
Elissa - guitar and sining
Jacky - says she'll do drums
Me- singing a bit and maybe lissa will teach me a bit of guitar, which would be awesome!!
We might do a few covers i guess, but i think we're gonna try and write alot of our own stuff. We've already started writing today!! Personally I'm a lyrics first, music later kind of girl. Only becuause i can't write music. Anyway. If you want to read the song the song i wrote myself last night, go here: www.asylmbound.blogspot.com and its the one called (How Can You) Forget Me. As soon as we've finshed writing the one we were working on today, i'll post that there as well, so keep checking back! It shouldn't take too long hopefully!! Kate worked on writing down the melody for the unfinished song, and she's gonna try and write some guitar chords and stuff for it as well.
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how can my life be such a work in progress? the scafloldings falling down and you dont even care

What is love,

and why do i feel like i'm going to be asking that question at the end of time?

My Give A Damn's Busted

Ever had one of those days where you just dont care what's going on around you? Or inside of you for that matter? I have. Today wasn't one of those days though. At least the whole day wasn't. I feel kida like that now though.
As you will know if you've read my previous post, yesterday my arms and right hand were bitten qutie a few times by some girls in my year level. All in fun. But I STILL HAVE A MARK on my hand where one of them bit me. This happened over 24 hours ago and there's still a mark!!
So. My day today wasn't to bad i dont think. I can never remember much of my day unless i really think about it, i have such a bad memory! Anyway, first period was just editing some film footage, then there was a power surge and we lost all the stuff we'd done. Second was science which was just building this stoopd machine type thing - you dont want to know. third was maths, followd by english and last period we had art. But we spent most of art watching the melbourne cup stuff in the AV room. Nothing to big to report today.
OoOoOoOo. Next Monday after school i think im going to a song writing workshop. Which means i have to decide if i want to turn an existing poem into a song, or write a new one. And if i do decide to use an existing one, which one am i gonna use?!?!? Coz alot of my stuff's kinda emo, and i dunno if i want people i dont know readint it. Hell, i dont even want people i do know reading it. And then the stuff that isn't really emo, i dont like very much coz i dont think its as good. I'm sure i'll think of something. Hopefully they'll help us write music for it, coz i dont have a musical bone in my body and am really no good at stuff like that.
There was a reason i started writing this. I had something i wanted to say. But ive forgotten what that was. So know I guess i'll go and read over some poems and see if i want to use any of them in the workshop.
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i've been waiting all my life for you, for so long i thought i was asylum bound

Bite Marks On My Arm.

Well. My day was...... interesting to say the least.
There was a bit of drama between a couple of my friends. But i think only one of the two (that would be the one who was upset, in case anyone is wondering) knew that something was wrong.
Then my friends stole my shoes. This has happened before. Basically it means we have WAY to much time on our hands, and so need to kill some of this time by running around the queens wing (the part of school where all the yr 10s have their lockers) trying to get our shoes of one another. Like i said, way to much time.
This is the part of my story where the bite marks come in. I was talking to some girls in my year level after school, and one of them said something about the peg i had on my jumper (dont ask) and somehow we went from talking about the peg on my jumper, to having them bite me. This was over and hour ago and i still have a mark on my hand where one of them bit me. 'twas rather painful at the time.
I feel so tired. But i dont know why. I mean, i generally get enough sleep, so i dont think thats why im tired. Maybe im just stressing about stuff to mugh. I wish i could just forget it all for a week. Go away to a sunny island. With frinds of course. And the island would have to have alot or hot, shirtless, single guys, as was discussed today. *sigh* but since there's no chance of that happening, i guess i'll just keep dreaming.
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if you'd just tell me you loved me, all this crazy mess would suddenly make sense

Why..

..is school so hard?
..is teenage love so painful?
..will blood on the pavement ruin your prom?
..am i always advice girl?
..do i never know what to say?
..can i solve other peoples problems, but not my own?
..is it that whenever i dont rush to tell people everything's fine, i get accused of not being as supportive as i usually am?
..do people tell me im not a decent person?
..why do i get to frustrated?
..do i just want to cry?
..can i never tell people how i really feel?
..do i have a headache?
..can i not spell very well?
..did i get hit on by random 19 year olds today?
..do i not understand shakespears 'merchant of venice'?
..do i like bad pop so much?
..do i want to be near him so much? not for any real reason. just to see him. to have him there. to hold him. it's not right.
..do i think i love him?
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without you. the earth turns. the sun burns. but i die. without you....

Sup doooods?

Hello bambinos, i haven't posted here for a while. Not much has been going on, so thats why i guess.
Am going to the junior school play tonight. My sister's in it. Along with the rest of the junior school, but that's not the point. Im going out tomorrow night too, out with one of my friends for dinner. Then on saturday a different friend is coming over, it's his birthday to day. I gave him glow sticks (becuase everybody loves glowsticks) and a mix cd of crappy pop songs (becuase no one loves them) (except me). Don't know if he liked it or not as i didn't see him open it and havne't spoken to him since then.
He he. One of my friends found my blog. She told me off (in a joking way)(at least, i hope it was joking :S) about putting photos up. Then we talked bout how similar we are. Was fun. And she said i should enter poems in school competition. Said no. Is bad idea.
Hmmm. Don't really know what else to say. Umm. Am listening to 'Hits for Kids 4' has lots of crappy pop. Is good. Am also being advice girl again. I prob complain about that to much. I like doing it. And i like knowing my friends trust me enough to tell me these things.
I just remembered a thought i had last night. Is rather whiney of me, but may as well say it as it fills in time. Was llying in bed thinking of people as i often do (if you take that and turn it into anything dirty i will slaughter you) and was thinking of my day and how i hug people so much etc. and realised that all the people i hug are shorter than me. And i dont mind that. Really i don't. But just once I'd like to hug someone closer to my height, so I'm the one who can feel protected and safe and loved. I know that's a stupid thought. But i can't help what i think.
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without electricity we'd all be watching television by candle-light!

Another random test result

Did another one of those test thingys. From the same site that i did that wild rose test on. Again, since i have nothing to do thought i'd post the result here.

The Flashlight

50 Abstract thought, 48 Rational Thought, 61 Dark

What happened to the energizer bunny when he put his battery in backwards? The flashligt is not quite as accurate as i would like it to be becuase you do not require as much attention from people as a flashlight. When ever anyone needs a rescue they turn to you or they should. You have the ability to cut through the darkness ( or the bullshit ) and see what people are really feeling or sayin. Just remember to charge your batteries every now and again.

So basically, it's telling me what i already know. I'm 'advice girl'.
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every girl wants a guy with a feather in his hat

Random-ness and Captain Friendship

It's me again!! (surprise surprise) Had school today. Wasn't to bad. I'm going on holiday thursday, woo hoo! I have to miss like a week of school which most people would probably be over the moon about, but i think i'd rather stay here and go to school. Wow, don't i have an adventurous spirit.
Anonymous (geeze i hope that's spelt right) i don't know why i feel that way. that's the whole point. but i suposse the whole mum diagnosed with pre-cancer, going to hospital, having surgury thing, now having to look after me and my sis on her own coz dads in new zealand a lot lately may have something to do with it. i dunno, that's just me. but you should definatly keep commenting and telling me that im stupid and don't know what im doing (i know u didn't say that. but im using artistic licence) coz i don't get enough of that as it is, so i really appreciate it =).
Oh oh oh. We had health at school today. i love health. it's not as good as it used to be though coz we've stopped doing sex ed and have now moved on to bullying. i mean, they didn't give us any free samples or anything! and we have to do little skit type things showing bullying. or something. wasn't paying much attention. anyway, my friends and i re-wrote the captain planet song and made it into 'captain friendship' corney much? anyway, here are the amazing lyrics which are gonna blow you away. although, they may be blowing you away because they're so sucky, but that's hardly the point.

Physical!
Verbal!
Non-verbal!
Emotional!
Physiological!

Go people who aren’t bullies!!

With your powers combined I am captain friendship!!

Captain Friendship, he's our hero,
Gonna take bullying down to zero,
He's our actions magnified,
And he's fighting on friendships side

Captain Friendship, he's our hero,
Gonna take bullying down to zero,
Gonna help him stop the peeps
Who put as down and act like creeps

"You won't regret this Captain Friendship!"

(chanting)
We’re nice people,
You can be one too!
'Cause stopping bullying is the thing to do,
Teasing and taunting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Friendship has to say:

"THE POWER TO STOP BULLYING IS YOURS!!"

What can i say, it killed some time. we seem to learn so much at school dont we?
I have a new song that i'm obsessed with. actually i have two. 'Chasing Cars', by Snow Patrol and 'Mad World' from the Donnie Darko sound track. And i downloaded the mad world song, and now im gonna try and download chasing cars.
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i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad. the dreams in which im dying, are the best i've ever had

No Point

No real point in this post. But need to do something to ocupy my hands as my head is moving to fast for them to keep up. I don't think that makes sense. But i think that's what i feel. That's the other reason i wanted to write this post. To say what i'm feeling now as i don't think i can really tell anyone. So, am feeling:
sad.
scared.
alone.
hopeless.
and just down in general.
I know i neednt have dedicated a post to this. i just wanted to. i don't know why. but then again, i dont know why i do a lot of things. It's just me. unfortunatly.
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if i just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Captain Planet

Captain Planet, for all of you out there who don't know, was a cartoon. And it still is a cartoon. But i haven't seen it on tv for ages. And by ages i mean YEARS. So it's very sad. But my love for this show (and it's theme song) have recently been rekindled. And, as i've had this song going through my head for quite some time, i thought i'd post them up here so everyone can share my love. Or not. Whatever.
The first 7 lines are spoken word, and is just people shouting them out. but the rest is sung. It's a very groovy song.

Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

GO PLANET!

With your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet, he's our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
He's our powers magnified,
And he's fighting on the planet side

Captain Planet, he's our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
Gonna help him put us under,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

"You'll pay for this Captain Planet!"

(chanting)We're the planeteers,You can be one too!
'Cause saving our planet is the thing to do,
Looting and polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:

"THE POWER IS YOURS!!"


Isn't it so incredibly random! But i quite like it. And that's all that really matters. No matter what people say.
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Great minds thing alike. Shame none of us here have great minds.

Hugger-mugger

Great news!! Somebody i don't know commented on my blog!!! Sure, there comment was a dissagrement, but we can't win all the time.
Anyway. Now that that's out of the way. I hate being stuck in the middle. It really, really sucks balls. To say it nicely. But, there's these two friends I have, and they always change their minds about each other. And im the one who always hears about the. The one they say 'God he was a bitch today' or 'She gave me an odd look' and im not saying they've said those things, but they have said things like that. And it's been going on for ages. So that's my grumble. Oh, and the fact that i have hiccups. I would like that to be recognized as a complaint.
I'll tell you all a great word. A fantastic new insult I leart today in english. From our english teacher no less. Are you ready for it? It really is fantastic. Alright, here it is: Hugger-mugger. Isn't it brilliant? It really is wonderus (<-----dont think that's spelt right) But really. Just imagine it. Walking up to someone and going 'Hey, sup hugger-mugger?' They would have absolutly no idea you'd just insulted them. I don't know what it means though. If you do, please let me know. Coz otherwise i'll have to make up my own definition. And that wouldn't be anywhere near as fun. Actually, it might be! But i want you all to remember it. Becuase it is brilliant. HUGGER-MUGGER!!!
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Captain planet, he's our hero! Gonna take polution down to zero!

Corneyness

Finally it's the weekend. How i'm going to put up with 9 more weeks of school i dont know. Actually, it's only 8 weeks for me as im going on holiday to the sunshine coast from about the 18th to the 26th. The only way i remember that is because my friends birthday is exactly 2 weeks from the day we fly out.
This is gonna make me sound even weirder than usual (yes, it is possible) but every day seems like about 3 different days. Which is stupid i know, but it does. Before school, during school, and after school. When im at school, the morning seems so long ago, and after school, school seems like it happened ages ago. It is odd.
Lately i've started listening to songs from cartoon movies. Like Anastasia and Aladdin. I love those kind of songs. And those kinda movies. I love anything corney. Corneyness is brilliant.
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Don't cry wolf, cry piglet!

Find out what your name means

I got a random email with the subject 'find out what your name means', hence the title of this post. I thought it was kinda cool ( i know i'm a dweeb =D) so i figured i'd post what my name means, and all the other letters mean in case you wanna do your own name.

A- You like to drink
B- You like people
C- You're wild and crazy
D- You have one of the best personalities ever
E- You're a damn good kisser
F- People adore you
G- You never let people tell you what to do
H- You are funny and loveable
I- You have a fine ass
J- Everyone loves you
K- You are really silly
L- You live to have fun
M- Success comes easily to you
N- You are absolutely beautiful
O- You are one of the best in bed
P- You are popular with all types of people
Q- You are a hypocrite
R- Damn sexy
S- Easy to fall in love with
T- You're loyal to those you love
U- You really like to chill
V- You are not judgmental
W- You are very broad minded
X- You never let people tell you what to do
Y- One of the best bfs/gfs anyone could ask for
Z- Always ready

Mine is:
E- You're a damn good kisser
M- Success comes easily to you
M- Success comes easily to you
A- You like to drink

Having double letters sucks =( What I want to know is how many of these are true in my case. Do i like to drink. Yes. i like fluids very much. Does success come easily to me? Not that im aware of. Am i a good kisser? i wouldn't know. I'm an innocent little angle. And its horrid. I may have said that before. but its true so it cant' hurt if i say it again.
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I'll mongoose you!

Self-worth

We all question our self worth at some time or another, right? But it's not supossed to be something we do all the time. So why is it i always seem to be lacking something? It doesn't matter what it is, looks, personality, intellegence, and it doesn't matter who im with, friends, family, people i don't know to well. I always feel im less than them or something. Like im not worth as much/anything.
Our school has plays every year for the middle and senior school, but next year instead they're having a musical. And I wouldn't mind trying out. But i won't. Some of my friends seem to think i should try out. I dunno why though. I can't act, i can't sing and i can't dance. I guess i wouldn't mind doing stuff backstage. I can't remember what it's called. A couple of my friends are gonna try out for dancing, and a few others for singing. Anyway, if anything comes out of it, i shall post it here, but i doubt it will.
G.U: (guy update) he asked out a girl. she said yes. i'm gonna go jump off a very tall building now. its either that or stay here and be advice girl for an eternity. *joy*
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I can't do the talk, I can't do the walk, I can't be your friend, unless I pretend

Photo-ma-graphs (continued)

J and K skipping stones on K's dam
PRINGLES!!!!! Gotta luv pringles!
K and J looking at K's music book. They both play piano, im sssssoooooo jelous!!
The out fit L's wearing belongs to K's little sister. K's teaching her how to stand like a whore.
Isn't she a darl? Standing like that, she still manages to look cute!!
I'm sure you've all been waiting for this. This is me. Sexy huh? <---sarcasm. It's a horrid photo, but as it's the most decent one of me I have, i figured i'd post it.

Photo-ma-graphs

Sob. The holidays are over. Back to school tomorrow. Isn't it horrible. Now I actually have to WORK! God forbid. I have a feeling there was some geography homework i was meant to do, but as all my geography books are at school, and i know a couple of other girls who haven't done it, im not gonna do it.
I think we holidays were pretty good. Aside from the whole pre-cancer thing. This is what i did these holls:
J stayed at my place for 2 nights. I stayed at K's place with L. I went to the movies with my sis and saw monster house. I stayed at Kelsey's house. K stayed at my place. I went to the Java lounge with K+ J the next day, went to the movies with them and a couple of other girls and saw step up, then stayed the night at K's with L and J.
All in all, it was pretty fun. It's just a shame I'm not doing anything today, being the last day of the holidays and all. Bummer.
I took my camera to K's house and took a whole stack of photos. Some of them are........ interesting to say the least. :-P

This is K at my place, sitting on my bed. She hate's having photos taken of her. So obviously I took loads.
This is J. Behind bars, where she belongs :-D Now all she needs is a straight jacket......
This is L. She's the baby of the group. Everyone thinks she's so innocent. But we know better. But she is adorable.
L and J eating choc wedges on K's swings. Yummy........

Let me know I'm loved?

Guy update. Actually, since i haven't really said anything about the guy, i guess it's more a de-breifing than an update. Ok, so first thing you probably want to know is the guys name. I'm not saying. But becuase he has several codenames among my group of friends, i shall use one of those. I'll call him Chad. He and I are friends. And we're pretty close. Which is the main reason I'm so unwilling to tell him how I feel or make a move, in case i completly fuck it up and loose his friendship. To put it simply.
Next thing you probably want to know, how much i like him. Well, he's always on my mind, and no matter how much it drives me crazy I can't get him out of my head. I'm not sure exactly how you would class it, as a crush, an infatuation, or as more than a crush.
You know how people have all those icons saying things like :

Well that's how I feel. Just ask my friends, they can tell you just how crazy I am about this guy. Well, not exactly how crazy I am, coz i don't know that either. But they could at least tell you I've fallen pretty damn hard. And it sucks.
Another sucky aspect is, i've given him girl advice. I know that some people would have told him to do the exact oppisite of what they would really do, but i couldn't do that so i ended up giving him advice, then kept wishing he would ask other people these kinds of questions about me. Stupid i know, but it's fun to dream.
I've thought about telling him. Friends have joked about telling him for me, and some have gone futher than joked and actually said stuff to him about it. I don't know if he believed them as he often has people coming up to him and telling him how much im in love with him. None of them being people i've told that i like him.
So anyway, that's a bit of a further look into my life. I'm sure all the people who read this (and i'm willing to bet not many do) are rivited by my hopelessness and stupidity.
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Remember, inside every girl, there's a boy.

The Wild Rose

I was taking some random tests on the internet, this is the score i got for the 'OKCupid test' I rather liked it so i thought I'd post it here :-P

The Wild Rose Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf) Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose. Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling. You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective. The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone. "You're never truly single as long as you have yourself." People I know would probably argue with the results, but hey, the test doesn't lie ;-). ------------------------------------------------------- Somebody out there's got my name on their heart, Somebody out there is watching the same star

Photos!!

I got a new camera yesterday, its a kodak P850. Or it might be a kodak 850P. But im pretty sure it's the first one. Its black, and looks like a proper camera, not a tiny digital one. Anyway, I think it's cool. I went out to Gong Gong Resivoir Park (werid name i know) and i took the camera and took a whole lot of pictures. They're all very amature, but like the look of some of them. And since I've finally figured out how to put pictures in my post (round of applause) I thought I'd put a couple up here. It's a road. With cars. Very imaginative i know ;-P

This is of the actual resivoir. I liked the way the water looked, stripy!!
This picture has no relevence what-so-ever. It's my sisters slightly blue tounge. She's a couple of years younger than me, and is currently in the toyroom watching home videos. One of which involes her singing her ABC's. And ending them Q U S W Y Z. And then she started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I think i shall go watch her making a fool of herself. It's so much fun!
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That's the last thing this country needs, a cock, in a frock, on a rock.

Parents. Damn them.

Am v. pissed of with my father. Not only did he make that comment about my grades, but then he READ MY BLOG. I don't care what anyone else thinks, that's not on. Then he said to me 'whats all this bullshit about your father on here' Great. Now he thinks all i feel is bullshit as well as inadequate. Digging himself into a hole. I told him i didn't want him reading it and that it was none of him buisness, and his reply was, why put it up there if you dont want people reading it. Want me to be specific dad? I don't want YOU reading it. Anyone reading this (not many people i know) is either somebody i dont know, and may never know. Or a friend, someone i've either given this url to, or the url to my other blog, and they've got here through that. Either way. I have no problem with them reading it. The whole point i started writing on here again was becuase i couldn't talk to people about it. No, not couldn't. I mean if i wanted to i could have. But i didn't want to. Incase it changed their perspective of me. So I'm mad at my dad.
A friend got me thinking about secrets earlier today. I don't really have manny secrets. At least not many that spring to mind. There's the one about the guy, that's a secret. There's the one about my mum and her pre-cancer. But thats not a secret as such. Just something i dont want the world to know. And really, that's about it. Apart from secrets friends have told me. But i dont regard them as my secrets. Simply becuase if i did, I'd probably end up telling someone. I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets. But i keep other peoples really well. Which seems silly.
Anyway, i've got to go hang out the washing coz mum can't. Then i might go outside and lie down. Maybe read a book. Listen to music. I dunno. Just something.
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I think you wouldn't know where to feed your self if you didnt flap your mouth so much. Yes, I think you're stupid

Words

Words can thrill people. They can excite them, worry them, frighten them, make them feel loved, make them feel alone or drive them crazy. But, if you break it down, all words are, are groups of letters strung together. Take the word bad for example. If you say it long enough, until it just slurs into one un-decipherable noise, it looses all its meaning, and any power it may have held. Its just 3 letters. It can't hurt you.
But saying that, words can also mess you up pretty badly. I mean, if you live every day of your life, or even just some of your life, being verbally abused or taunted by anyone, whether it's parents, other people your age, teachers or just who ever. That sucks. I know.
It depends who your talking to though, as to if you'll get offended or not. I've had people say to me on a daily basis, whore, slut, bitch etc. But considering one of the people who says those things to me is the one i accused of pole dancing on weekends, she has every right to. But when she says those things, i know she's kidding. And when i say things like the pole dancing comment, my friends know im kidding. But sometimes the fact that you're kidding isn't so easily convayed. And sometimes, there's things you just don't joke about, no matter how well you know the person or how comfortable you are with them.
I'm thinking of getting a tatto (of course, i've been thinking of getting one for the past two years). I was gonna get one on my ankle to begin with, but when i read that your ankle was one of the most painful places to get a tatto, i changed my mind. Im now thinking of getting the chinese character for love tattoed on the left hand side of my chest, just above my boob. Any one got any thoughts?
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Men - can't live with them, can't shoot them..................."Says who?!?"

Reports

Joy. It's the time of the holidays when our reports arrive. How did I go? Depends who you ask. As I'm sure you're all dying to know how intelligent i am, this is what i got:
Challenge Studies - A
English - A
Geography - A
History - A+
Materials and Technology - B+
Mathematics - A+
Science - A
Those are all the subjects we get letter marks for. My dad hands me my report and goes 'Materials and Technology was a bit dissapoitnting' With this straight face and hard tone in his voice. Well screw you! i try my hardest at these things, im no child prodigy, but im ok. i've never once failed anything at school. Yet that's what i get. I get a B+, and my dad's dissapointed! That's the last thing i need rite about now.
Oh, and the reason i got a B+? i hate the subject. most of the girls in my group are horrid. there's 4 of us in the group. one girl is ok. she's not overly nice, but she's not a bitch. the other 2.... well. they're in my tute group, so thats bad enough. hopefully ill be outta there soon (fingers crossed) they just dont give a damn bout what im feeling. last lesson i spent most of the time outside somewhere. not actually in class. closest ive ever got to wagging :-P
What is it with my maths teacher describing me as 'eager'? she has got to be kidding, right? her exact words were '[Emma] was eager to answer questions during class and completed all set homework' egar to answer questions? i spent more time staring out the window than paying attention to what she said, let alone actually bothering to answer the questions. and as for doing the homework...... well anything she set out of the text book, i didn't do, and i didn't do quite a bit of the homework book. do teachers ppay any attentino whatsoever to their students?
Was just talking to my friend J on msn. once again i was the advice girl. she wanted to know whether or not she should tell her parents about her having a boyfriend. when i didn't give her a direct answer she cyber pouted at me and told me i should tell her what to do. she then said i had the answers to everything. trust me, i dont. i have no answer about how to get out of my current situation (with the guy). so i can't know everything. then we started talking bout how she had to go to the orthadontist and get bands put on her braces, then talked bout reports.
Ok, there is my daily update and bitch. I hope you all (whoever you are) like reading my complaints on life.
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Look up the word idiot in the dictionary. You know what you'll find? "A picture of me?" No, a definition of the word idiot, which you are!

Subtle and Discreet

Feel crap. Saw mum in hospital. As cruel as this is going to sound, i really don't want to go back. I know that makes me sound like a cold-hearted bitch, as i am, but i just couldn't handle it. I mean (and no one is gonna wanna hear this next part) I saw my mum throw up. And that scared the shit out of me. I know it shouldn't. I mean, people throw up, no biggie, it happens all the time' But I've never seen my mum throw up.
Moving onto a slightly different topic, who's seen 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang'? I love that movie. I mean, how many time do they say fuck? It's brilliant! That and it made me laugh, which i really needed. I used to laugh so much. I mean, I still laugh. Just not as much as i used to. People say I've changed. I guess I have. I don't really notice it coz im kind of constantly around myself (funny that). I know my thoughts have changed alot. And if you're reading this Kels (as i know you will) I HAVE NOT been thinking about certain peoples 'knees'.................much.
Anyhoo, back to me and my thoughts. As this blog is about my random thoughts, i guess this is a bit of an insight about what goes on in my mind. But sometimes even I dont know whats going on in my mind. Like, i'll be typing, much like i am now, and i'll go to type a word, for example, really. But the ONLY word my fingers will type is think. How utterly random is that? And that's happened to me alot. And it's always the word think i type. Weird.
Ealier today, I was thinking. Yes i know i've used the word think way to much, but i dont care. Anyway, i was thinking. People (well teens at least) think alot about cool, uncool etc. etc. And something that's said quite a bit is that being a clone, doing and wearing the same as everbody else is 'uncool' and that being different, dresseing different is 'cool' now. But if you really think about it, does not that then mean, that if everybody, or at least the majority of people start doing that, that it' the main stream thing to do, and that then makes it following the pack and being a clone? Confusing much? So that's my bit of wisdom for today. Yes i know it's not all that wise.
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You're not talking to anybody, are you? "(speaking into phone) Hold on. No".....Why are you still pretending "Coz its fun"

Just a quick note

Can't type much, gotta get ready to go to the movies with my little sis. We're gonna see Stormbreaker. I'm feeling a lot better today. Just had a HUGE conversation with a friend. It made me laugh SSOO much. We we're talking about lots of things. Including some guys abs. And Matt Damon. (wink)
Mums in hossy right now. Aparently she's in a wheelchair. My sis wants her to bring it home. She might come home tonight, no body's sure. Depends how she feels after surgury. When she first told my sister and I about it, she said that the reason she been going to the doctors alot recently was not, in fact, becuase of her shoulder. Then at the EXACT SAME TIME my sister and i just went 'Are you pregnant?' which is ridiculas coz its impossible for her to be pregnant. I think i knew what she was gonna say though. After she'd stopped laughing at us. It just... fit. It still sucks though.
Well, i really need a shower coz me hair looks like hell (as usual, but not it looks like hell AND it's really greasy) and then i need to get ready. Shall update with news about mum as i know all who read this blog are dying to hear (not).
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I like you. I like your balls. I like balls.

Love?

What is love? And how do you know when you're in love? Can you love someone, yet not be in love with them? Can you only ever love one person for all your life? And if you can, what if they die? Are you cursed to live an eternity on your own, wishing someone would hold your hand?
According to wikipedia, love is:

a profound feeling of tender affection for or intensea attraction to another.

Does that mean you can't love someone unless you're attracted to them? What about loving your friends and family, do you have to find them attractive to love them? Coz, that's kinda kooky.
It's said that love is undefinable, but if it is, how do you know if you're ever in love? maybe you just lust after this person, or maybe you just want them as a friend.
How do we ever truly know if we love someone?
People have described love as:
giving someone the power to destroy you
trusting someone enough to surrender to them completely
giving freely from the heart
an emotional connection.....affected by the physical
an uncontrollable urge

What if it's none of these things? What if it's all of them? What if you just don't know? What if we're feeling something we've never felt before, how can we tell it it's love, or just some strange new emotion? Some people deny the existance of love entiarly. I could never do that
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Sometimes we love people so much, we have to be numb to it. If we actually felt how much we loved them, it would kill us

Ouch

Right now, the only thought in my head, is ouch. It's killing me. I'm now starting to realise how people feel when they have migrains. All i have is a bad head ache and it's driving me nuts.
I stayed over at a friends (K's) place last night. She called me after i published the previous post, so it was quite good timing really. I really needed to get out of the house. Everything just keeps reminding me of the fact mums going into hospital tomorrow. At least when i'm with my friends, they distract me. And if im alone, at least i can loose myself in whatever cd i've put on. I seriously could not live without music. Not only does it keep me entertained, but its an expression. and its easy to just forget whatever's on my mind and sing along, admitadly it's bad singing, but it still makes me feel better.
K had invited me as well as another friend, L, over. L had bought the movie 'Team America' for us to watch. Not like her mum knew this of course. We also walked down to the video store and rented 'Riding in Cars With Boys'. We watched the latter in the lounge room, but since K's little sister had a friend staying the night, we thought it would probably be best if we watched 'Team America' in the study. It was fun. While the other 2 were getting some chairs to sit on in the study, i checked my emails. I had one (as i knew i would as i had recieved a txt telling me to check my mail) from a girl i used to be really close to, but then we drifted apart. In still not sure why. I think it was becuase i was afraid of letting somebody get close enough to hurt me. So before that could happen, i pulled away. If you're reading this, as i hope you will be, i'm sorry. I should have tried harder. i should have done more. emailed, or called, or something. i just shouldn't have been afraid.
Anyway, this email made me cry. So then i told L and K about mum. They didn't say much. just let me hug them and cry. that's really all i wanted. People often remark, once they get to know me a bit better, about how much of a softie i am. becuase im so loud, they assume i just dont have feelings. but its the opposite. the opposite in a big way. when ever i cry in front of peopl (something i do as little as possible) they seem surprised. not all my friends are like this. K's seen me cry at least 3 times. L's seen my cry once, just last night, i think. a few others have as well. not many. mostly i cry when im alone. its eaiser that way. you dont have to explain to anyone what's wrong, because alot of the time, i just dont know why im crying.
i probably shouldn't write all this here. hardly anyone has the adress for it, but im still not sure how many people actually read this. not many. its just easier for me to type it up, and get it out of my head. i dont want to tell people i feel these things. i mean, im the one who supports my friends, not who gets them to support me. im the one they come to for advice, whatever its about. boys, school, parents, bitchy girls. im just the one they talk to. im not trying to make myself seem big and important, because im not. i just know that alot of the time, if one of my friends wants a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen to them. im the girl. and i really do love being that girl. i like being here for my friends. scrap that, i love it. but sometimes i wish i didn't always have to be the strong one. not often. but when i do think that, it gets me down. because i know i should be grateful they trust me, and i am grateful. i just.....i dont know! i can't even explain to myself what i feel, let alone other people.
i've probably written too much. once i start i get a bit carried away. i think ill go lie on my bed and listen to phantom of the opera. i love that movie, and that soundtrack.
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The eyes speak as much as the mouth

Almost out?

Well I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. Mum filled me in some more on what pre-cancer actually is. Apparently it means the cancerous cells are contained in one gland, and if they remove that, everything should be ok. I asked her if she was gonna need chemo and she said she wasn't sure. The little girl who used to live next door to us had to have chemo, she has lukemia. I mean, it could be worse. But for some reason, thinking that doesn't really comfort me. Not only has she known for about a month and not told either my sister or me, but my level co-ordinator and tutor at school found out before me. That doesn't exactly make me smile.
It still doens't seem real. I think, for the moment, that that's a good thing. Coz as soon as I realise that this isn't a dream, I'm really gonna need someone to talk to.
Speaking of dreams, I had quite a few last night. I kept waking up for a few minutes and then falling back asleep, and the dream continued like it was a movie i'd steped out of, and then walked back in after missing a scene or two. It was funny, becuase it was playing out relitivly like a normal school day, execept for the fact that up untill lunchtime it was wednesday, and from lunch onwards it was monday. I often get dreams confused with reality. Once i dreamt we had orange juice in the fridge (yes i know that's a kooky dream) and the next morning i was like 'where did all the juice go?' Needless to say, my family laughed at me.
I'm home alone at the moment, and i dunno what to do. I could just surf the net for the rest of the day, but i don't really feel like doing that. I wanna talk to someone on msn or something, but no one interesting is online! yes i know i could call someone, but im llllaaaaazzzzzzyyyyyyyy. That and it's eaisier for people to read how you're really feeling from your voice than from the font on the computer screen.
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Better a dimond with a flaw than a pebble without one

When you're going through hell, just keep going

Well i haven't posted here for quite a while, have i? i've been using my other blog www.asylmbound.blogspot.com instead. But that's for poems and stuff i've written. Curretnly i can't rhyme my feelings, so ill just write them here.
Start of the holidays, sposed to be a great time right? Would be, if i hadn't just found out that my mum is going into hospital wednesday to have pre-cancer removed. And I'm completly obsessed with a guy who'll never love me back. I know, i can hardly compare the two. One is obviously worse than the other. My friends know about the boy situation, but im not sure about telling them about the pre-cancer. I think eventually I'll have to, but im not sure how they'll react, or even if i want them to know. I mean, it's just pre-cancer, and mum said 'it's nothing to cry about' LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any sentance with the words, have, I, and cancer in them, suck balls. Unless the sentance is 'I don't have cancer/pre-cancer'. Point is, I feel like shit. I dont wanna tell my parents, coz 'its nothing to cry about'. that and its just not something i would tell them. Im not sure about telling my friends, because i dont want them to......... i dont know why i dont wanna tell my friends. coz i dont want the world knowing i guess, coz i dont want them to judge. maybe becuase if i tell one of them, they'll all find out. and i dont want all of them knowing. maybe because telling them makes it real, and at the moment, i dont want to admit that. im just afraid that even if she does get it removed, that it'll come back or something. thinking about it, i dont really know much about cancer. except that it can kill you. and thats not really the most comforting thought in the world now, is it??
Its kinda funny if you think about it (funny weird, not funny ha ha) i dont want to tell my parents or friends these things. but ill pour them all out onto this blog where anyone one can read them. i guess its easier to tell things to people you've never met, and are never likely to meet, then someone you're gonna see for the rest of the year at least. easier to avoid judgement. or something. i dont know what im saying. not like that's new or anything. i never know what im saying. or thinking. i talk alot, but im starting to think that maybe that's just a defence mechanism. you know, be loud, scare people off, never let on that you're going through what seems like hell inside.
But then again, there's always that saying, 'When you're going through hell, just keep going' i mean, you've got to get out of there sometime, right?...........................